so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
