highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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