At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
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white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
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You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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