if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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