We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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