I think I died a long time ago.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
