I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
two words: eviction party
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
