Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
