my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
