the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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