she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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