I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
