Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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