so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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