I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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