I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
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