How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
