there's paper in my vomit.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
