look no pants
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
being pregnant is like rehab
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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