he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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