I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
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