my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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