i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
