last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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