yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
