a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Found the puke drawer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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