the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
