I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I am one with the molecules
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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