please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
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He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
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She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize