I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
