I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
