I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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