11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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