I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Randomize
