god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
