Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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