PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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