Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
