Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
