Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
