I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
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