It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
