I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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