If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
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If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
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I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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