dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
