11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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