i want to swaddle you in tequila
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
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