i can't believe i had my finger in that
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
