Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
