Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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