Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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