I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
