how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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