I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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